Overloaded

Stagger and stumble,

It’s nothing if not simple overload,

So when you hear my voice fumble,

I wasn’t trying to goad,

There’s maximum saturation,

No matter how clear you flowed,

My mind lacks your maturation,

Information gets lost despite how you sowed.

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Melancholy for Anya

A minimal background here….the young girl in the photograph is my daughter. Because of both my actions leading up to the divorce and subsequent relapses, along with a “less then friendly” civility between the mother and myself – I have only seen her once in the last year and change. She’s about a year and a half to put it in perspective. 
Anya's Big Blue Eyes (2)

Some sing songs of longing,

Blazing with desire to find or be found.

A lonesome call to remove the isolation,

From the desperate state of silent night.

For others,

Absent are the sounds once felt.

Or missed because of poor choices.

To have loved and lost is a blessing,

To lose a love over choices given away,

Hurts the way that pain self-inflicted does.

Unswayed by pleas for mercy,

Nowhere to misdirect the blame.

I want to know my daughter,

But all I feel is shame.

Not at the beauty she is sure to be.

Surely not at the creative gleam in her eye.

Not her brilliant hand that will craft a world,

Or her soft skin that will feel the kiss of life daily.

The shame is a shattering indulgence.

A reminder striking loudly of what could have been,

Of where I should have been.

Wanted to be, and missed the closest moments with her –

And those can never be reclaimed.

Because she doesn’t know who daddy is –

And maybe doesn’t even know that I’m not there.

I’m sorry Anya.

I love you even if we aren’t together yet.

 

Small note – even though I only have a short call with her and my son weekly, she spit out a “dada” for me. 🙂

Crazy by the Numbers- thanks DSM (official)

296.43 meet 314.01 and 301.83….you’ll mesh well with the periodic cocaine and amphetamine induced psychosis.

More info, more “understanding” – knowledge is worthless without a way to apply it. Anyone else deal with frustration of the labels on labels that get applied to them via the doctoral circuit?